It has been 4 months and much has happened.
I moved to Tennessee and began working at a different job. I engaged in wellness activities offered at work. And I embraced a vegan diet to help get my cholesterol lower.
Things are going well, so why do I feel sad?
Yesterday I joined a line dancing activity offered at work. I didn’t know any of the steps and found it frustrating, but kept on trying.
Afterward, an emotional avalanche hit.
I felt like I wasn’t wanted there. Not because I couldn’t do the steps, but because as I was leaving the class leader apologized for doing all hard dances and not helping me. And I thought, did she do that on purpose so I wouldn’t come back? Maybe I shouldn’t go back.
It’s hard to tell the difference between slights experienced today and situations that recall the many rejections experienced in the past.
Truth is what she meant is irrelevant. This is a work-sanctioned activity and if I want to go, she can’t stop me. And since she’s a nice person, I rationally do not believe she meant to exclude me. She simply led the class to appeal to everyone, not just me.
It’s what I’m feeling that’s important right now. It’s a sign of progress to actually feel the feeling and be aware of all this hurt my body has been storing up inside for years. These are feelings I’ve always used food to quieten in the past. I need to instead feel this hurt and deal with it because otherwise I will continue to react defensively every time I’m faced with a situation that recalls past hurts, and I’ll continue to overeat to forget.
I am tired of living an isolated life because I react to people in the present as though they will treat the same way others have in the past. So today I am choosing to feel the hurt. It’s probably not going to be an easy day, so keep me in your thoughts. And I remind myself today that feelings aren’t facts, and feelings do change.
But first they must be felt.