An Update

I have not written in 3 weeks. But I have still been on track taking care of myself.

I’ve lost 20 pounds and continue to track my food intake and energy output. I exercise in some way daily.

I talked to my doctor about soreness in my knee. An MRI revealed arthritis and a torn meniscus. I’m going to physical therapy to build the muscles and need to have surgery.

I’ve been applying for jobs. Lots of jobs. Any job and every job I’m remotely qualified for. I had a great interview 3 weeks ago and they even contacted me the next day to say they are interested in me, but I’ve heard nothing since. So I continue to look.

In the meantime I continue to show up for work and do what I have to do to avoid giving them any ammunition to get rid of me, because I know they really want to do that. They are hopeful that I’ll soon be gone too. Amazing, isn’t it? They are struggling to keep employees and are spending all this time and money to figure out why, while at the same time they are praying I will soon be gone. In their eyes, I am the problem. But they’ve said the same of every other seasoned employee that got fed up and walked out the door.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 6 weeks now and they’ve fully kicked in. I feel better and it shows.

I bought new clothes that are stylish and colorful. I have a new hairstyle. And I am taking care of my hands and feet including painting my toenails.

All of these things seem so normal, and yet only 2 months ago it seemed foreign to me to feel good or to take care of myself. In a way that’s sad. But in another, it’s joyous to see I finally am feeling better.

In my counseling session yesterday my therapist said I am resilient. I responded that I guess so, but she wouldn’t let it go. And she’s right. I am resilient. I am a survivor. No matter what, I will make it or go down trying. I’ve made it this far and I will keep on going. I am the tree who withstands all kinds of weather and continues to grow and thrive.

I Am…

I spend a great deal of time wishing I were something I am not.

clipart by Yamachem at openclipart.com

I wish I were thin.

I wish I were pretty.

I wish I were young.

I wish I were positive.

And after I’ve wasted all that time wishing I were things I am not, I berate myself not not being those things.

But what I am really doing is measuring myself against a yardstick with unrealistic measurements.

Why do women always have to be pretty? And positive? And why do we have to bake great cookies?

Isn’t it OK to be cranky but competent?

Apparently not. Well, not in some circles anyway.

Oh well. Instead of beating myself over the head because of someone else’s expectations of me, let me instead spend a few moments focusing on what I am.

I am strong, both physically and mentally. I’ve done some things I’ll bet you’d say you could never do.

I keep up with current events and have a general idea of what is going on both in the US and around the world.

I am caring and compassionate, and I have the innate ability to look past the behavior to see the pain.

I am intelligent and thoughtful. I am naturally curious and once interested in a topic will explore it in depth.

I am a survivor. I lived through a childhood I would wish on no one, and despite the scars I carry on the inside, I have made a place for myself in this world.

And from here on out, whenever I am overwhelmed because someone has decided I have not measured up to his or her yardstick, I will remind myself of these positive traits I possess.

As for the crankiness, that is something I am working to overcome.

 

 

Dear Food: I Hate You.

How can it be that a woman of size such as me can hate food?

And yet I have come to that realization within the past couple of days.

Clip Art from WPclipart.com

I hate how it promises me health, happiness, and yes, even beauty, but never follows through.

I hate how it taunts me, knowing I want it but I can’t have it.

When I give in, I gulp it down so as to not give it the satisfaction of enjoying it. Then I play the “guilt game,” where I feel sufficiently chastised for my bad behavior. I then feel free to continue to engage in this behavior over and over again.

From sweetclipart.com

I want to make peace with food.

I want to be one of those people who can have chocolate in their homes without thinking of it constantly until consuming it all, then hating on myself by playing the “guilty game” for having done so.

I am practicing mindful eating.

My goal is to eat when I am hungry. For now, because I have no clue what that means, I am eating three meals a day with nothing in between.

When eating, I do nothing else. No checking the phone. No reading. No listening to the radio. I’m focusing on how the food tastes. I concentrate on chewing my food slowly and completely. I take breaths between bites so I can sense how the food makes my body feels.

At this time, no food is off the table. The idea, however, is to focus on eating goods that are healthy so I will feel healthy. I don’t give myself the message I can’t have anything. It’s something I put off until later, or, if I really want it, something I wait to eat after a healthy meal.

It was suggested a meal take between 20 and 30 minutes to consume. So far I’ve made it 15. But I will keep working at this, because I am worth it.

For now I am not craving foods, and have no desire to eat between meals. But I’ve just started. The food ads and quickie recipe videos people post on Facebook haven’t caught me at a down time yet.

 

 

 

 

 

So Far, So Good!

I went to yoga class.

from openclipart.org

It was frightening. It was exciting. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And I felt good afterward.

I liked it so much that I signed up to go again the next day.

Now I am sore in some muscles, but it was important for me to go again. And I’m glad I went to that second class. There were people who were not fat who were struggling with the poses too, so that tired old lie that I’ve told myself that “I can’t do it because I’m fat,” is not valid. I can’t do it because I’m not in shape, but if I practice and keep going to class then eventually I can do it.

It made me realize how many aspects of my life that I am unhappy with that I’ve blamed on my size. It makes it easy that way; I don’t have to take action to change my loneliness, my fears of people, my fear of finding a better job. “I want that, but I can’t have it because I’m fat.” But it’s not true. I don’t have these things because I don’t feel I deserve them, and while that feeling of unworthiness is entangled with my body size, it’s not due to it.

So I know that in order to be successful in my weight loss goal, I must feel I deserve to be. Easier said than done, but I am making the effort to get there. Practicing self-acceptance and self-love is going to be as difficult as the actual weight loss.

I remind myself of all that I have done for me in the past 6 weeks: I sought out a doctor and a therapist. I am charting my food intake. I am exercising. I am taking steps to change my way of thinking.

And so far it’s paying off! At my doctor visit yesterday I’d lost 10 pounds and 2 inches from my waist. I have more physical stamina. And I feel better.

And to think the best is yet to come!

A Progress Update

I have a job. It pays well. I am practically guaranteed overtime each week for which I am paid. I work with a team that is supportive and hard-working. I have a supervisor who is also hard-working.

I hate my job.

Nope, not ready to talk about the tree yet. I’ll get there. 

In my EAP counseling sessions I learned that I have been using my body’s cortisol to keep me going in my stressful job. Cortisol burns fat and carbs, but also leads to excessive eating. And when I eat, my weight goes to my stomach. And there it stays.

I have been watching my behavior at work to try to manage my stress levels. Two weeks ago I did pretty well with my eating, exercise and keeping my stress level down. But this past week was very stressful, and I ate junk food that’s not good for me. I still kept up my exercise though.

So today I am evaluating my progress as I ready for my next visit with my weight loss doctor. I think I’ve lost a couple of pounds this month. Not where I wanted to be. But I see the eating at work is a huge problem, as is my unwillingness to give up coffee with cream, meaning I’m drinking calories I should be eating instead.

Since I’m pretty much stuck in the job for at least the next few months, I have to find a way to better manage my stress. Anyway, that’s where I’m at.

I will say, however, I do feel changes in my body as a result of my regular exercise. My fat is looser? Is that a thing? It doesn’t cling to my bones. My skin is more loose. The regular stretching is helping me to become more limber. That is, in turn, helping me to walk further. And I’m using my elliptical for building strength and stamina. Oh, and today I’m going to my first yoga class. A friend is going with so it won’t be so scary. I am so excited!

All in all I see much progress made. While I’m not where I want to be, I’m certainly on my way to getting there. And I’m definitely further along than I was.